Hi, Kyle, How Have You Been?

To put it plainly, I’m a mess.

I miss normalcy. I miss Los Angeles. I miss my Ma.

Many things happen when someone passes away. For me, the closest person in my life has now left, and they took the light with them.

It’s not what they would want.. That is for me to be miserable. 

People come out of the woodwork. Insensitive questions and comments come from every direction. At this point I’ve never had more people up my ass about nonsense, while somehow feeling the most alone I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

People don’t prepare you for the red tape that comes with losing a loved one. Nothing in this world could have prepared me for being a care giver. For being there at the end and seeing the book close.

There’s no right time to grieve. There’s actually just no time to grieve. The world expects you to pick up and move on.

My heart is filled with anger, confusion, sadness, and all around pain.

My mother was a caring person who spoke with me everyday. Many people left her behind in times of need, yet she never missed a chance to step up and help others.

I’m not sleeping. I’m not eating. I can’t control my emotions. 

I’m so fucking tired of crying.

I can’t focus. I can’t create. I can’t function.

I’m constantly fighting to keep myself busy. I’m golfing, I’m driving around. I’m just trying to do something, anything.

The world continues to turn. Everyday moves forward as it always has. For me, it feels like the world is standing still. The days and nights have blurred together, hours are seconds, and seconds are hours.

I’m arguing. I’m paranoid. I’m shutting down.

She always told me to move back in with her. To start over. I wasn’t in a position to start over. I was working, I was trying to make my way in the industry I love. I kept saying I’d come to visit. I was just busy trying to do something, anything at all with my life.

She knew this, and wasn’t really asking me to come start over. She was alone. She wanted her son.

Blame consumes my soul. Internal judgement eats me alive.

Many people have speculated about me as of late. Watching as I fall apart through social media while I think I’m successfully masking my deterioration.

I look back fondly on all the times I had with my mother. I walked her down the aisle at her wedding to my step father. I held her hand as we said goodbye to him one last final time. We sat on the porch and sang Brown Eyed Girl, Hotel California, and Sister Golden Hair.

I’ve seen the best times anyone could ask for, and then I saw hell.

I watched as a person’s life unraveled and withered till the end. I learned that when it’s your mother that’s timing out, you don’t have a mother to call for help. For comfort. For reassurance.

So to everyone who reads this. I love you. You being in my life means more than you could ever know.

I’m not myself. I don’t know where Kyle is, but he’s not here. I don’t know when he’ll be back. I miss him, I miss her. I miss what once was.

I don’t know when my next musical project will come out. I don’t know anything.

Frankly, I don’t fucking care.

Hug your mom. Call your friends. Remember to live the life you have, and to play the hand you were dealt well.

That’s all for now. Thank you for your time.

Until next time.

Cheers,

Kyle (BuhDihKuh) Arneson