Life is hard.

It is. I know I'm not alone in thinking this. That's the point though, right? That we're not alone. Yet here we are. A mess of people packed together trying to create a life in which we think we need to be fulfilled. Fulfilled in a way that media, advertising, and social influence tells us to be. My heart always remains full for those in my life. For those I care for, and those that care for me. Sometimes in the heavy mix of things, I forget to save some love for myself.

Is it a feeling of losing control, or is it realization that there never was any control. It seems to be a crime to care for others in the face of political sportsmanship. Is it a heart that's breaking, or one that never truly healed in the first place.

I've never really felt stability.

I couldn't express true understanding for anything that has happened in life. Whether it be due to a hand I was dealt, or me dealing out to the rest of the table.

Distance makes people forget. Confinement makes people bitter. The results of the circumstances vary between each individual. Judgement due to word of another is easily accepted. Defensive arguments are met with harsh judgement and not treated as a counter balance to the first received word. Is it really us against them, or are we trying to appease an invisible entity?

What the internet wants us to believe is true, or what beliefs were instilled upon us in youth, can be equally toxic.

Breaking away from any of it is a tedious and taxing task. Are we where we are because of how we were taught, or how we've grown away from instilled beliefs?

I feel lost. I'm not sad, and I'm not drowning in bliss. I'm just lost.

An argument between those who care for each other is common, but when these arguments occur it's easy to lose sight of all that is good. You can do one hundred good deeds, but have all the worst brought back in the heat of an argument. I understand this notion from both sides of the coin.

Music has been hard to write. I've been trying to move from where I'm stuck, yet still I remain stuck. So much accomplished, and yet I feel as if I've never done anything of merit.

Imagine existing for 34 years, knowing what you've done, and still feeling as if you haven't even gotten your start.

For some, the number may be different- but the feeling is the same. We decide to make our beliefs our teams. We wear the colors, and we shout the mottos. The door to those who want to join is always open, but the one for changing remains closed.

There's no real point to this blog post. It's not a cry for help, it's not a call to action. It's an expression of disdain for how I've been treating myself, and in turn, those around me. I also feel great injustice for those judging me when their scope is so meagerly founded. I can't be the greatest person you've ever met, nor do I want to be. Honestly, that sounds like a lot of pressure. I'm not as vile as some would believe though. I do want to be there for you. I want to be there for me.

I'm not a believer in religion, but I support those that are. In many cases I envy those that are. To have hope based on unknowns, and to find peace in believing in something that may or may not be. I believe religion can be a set of rules on how you choose to live. To be good is all based on what you believe is good. To be evil, is to have opposing views. There is a way to be neither and both at the same time.

I wish everyone the best. To fight for what they believe to be good. To understand why another views things from another place.

I'm trying to write. I'm trying to move. I'm trying to be a warm and loving individual. When it feels the odds are stacked against you, it can be a trial of what your faith lies in. To hold true and exert positive energy.

It's never the end, just the turning of another page. What comes next is unknown.

I hope by the next post, I'm telling a new chapter of what great things are to happen.

Of wonderful things yet to come.

Until next time.

Kyle (BuhDihKuh) Arneson.